I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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