It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
