I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
