apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
