I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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