You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
