Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Randomize
