I heard we made out
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
