I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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