True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
