Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
