My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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