my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
