Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
