at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
