The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
