Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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