It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
