the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
