I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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