Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
