atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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