But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
