How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
