Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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