his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
