Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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