and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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