No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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