Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
