watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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