I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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