The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hippo gnu deer
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
