Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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