shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
