His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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