I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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