Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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