new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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