I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
