I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
