Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
