i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
