Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
