I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
