he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
