They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
