So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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