How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize