He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
