I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
