Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
