girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
