I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
