Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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